Day Two: Evaluate and Assess…um NO!…

I awoke to darkness, a rooster crowing in the distance…over and over and over…. OH YEAH I’m in Hawaii…I suddenly remembered and rolled back over to try to sleep some more. But trying to force ones self to sleep doesn’t always work. So at 6am I FINALLY rolled over and got up. I had forgotten about the cacophony of bird songs that occurs early in the mornings here. WHAT a delight but not much on letting you sleep in, THAT’s for sure! So I made my coffee and got to work. By 8am I had already put in a couple hours of work time on the computer and not even walked out of the apt. Hmmm time for a walk on the beach. I only got to the bench at the entrance to my beach.

Today I felt the pain, grief and physical sickness I’ve been holding in check for weeks now. I am so amazed at how palpable grief can be. I could barely move a muscle that didn’t hurt the entire day. All I wanted to do was hide, not let anyone see me. My entire body was shutting down. I felt ugly, scared and timid. NOT a normal thing for me AT ALL!!! I read, napped off and on and hid inside the apartment almost the entire day not wanting to venture even the short distance back to the beach.

Later on around dusk, I did take myself down to the beach to watch the sunset. I sat right at the edge of the dry sand and water line and enjoyed a magnificent sunset. I know tomorrow will be better.

 

Day Three: AWAKE FINALLY….

An incredibly strong scent of honey from the Beach Naupaka permeates my senses as I walk along the soft sandy shore towards a group of surfers catching any wave that they can this early in the morning. The sets are small but rideable. A light offshore breeze helps set the waves up for them. I am still dry on day three of this trip…NOT GOOD. Time to get wet.

Tentatively I entered the cool blue water. As I submerged something inside of me sighs. Relief… happiness, I can’t quite place the emotion but it was there. Once again a palpable experience but exactly opposite of yesterday. While I was submerged I had to fight to jump up and run back out of the water. My entire body fighting me to stay under, to relax, TO HEAL.

I knelt down and floated on my back for a bit allowing the waves to wash over me, washing away all the feelings I’ve been holding onto for so long. Washing away all the unhealthy thoughts. Washing away all the anger, the frustration and the fear…and finally all that grief. Everything began to just disappear. Swept away with each passing wave and ground into the sand…destroyed!

When I exited and put my pareo back on to continue my walk I felt renewed and for the first time in ages HAPPY. I laughed and danced a little jig as I continued my trek up the beach. You know that feeling you get when a headache FINALLY recedes and suddenly you notice your whole body is NO longer in pain? THAT’S the feeling I felt. RELIEF…FINALLY!

As I continue along the shoreline, once again my senses are flooded by the heady honey fragrance of the Naupaka along with a mixture of coconut from the surf boards wax and salt spray misting the air. I begin to recall the Hawaiian legend about the Beach Naupaka.  A princess was forbidden to marry her true love, a fisherman, because he was a commoner.  As they parted ways forever, she tore a flower in half, giving one half to him and keeping the other half for herself.  She then returned to the mountains where her family lived.  Stricken with grief, they both cried and planted their halves of the flower.  Each half grew and became the two forms of Naupaka – the Beach Naupaka and the Mountain Naupaka”

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Today was the beginning of my healing in earnest. I feel so much calmer and so much more relaxed now… Ahhhh! I can begin to sigh.

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